My notes for getting along

© 2023 Elinor Robin, PhD

There are three kinds of people: easy, difficult and wimps.

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(a) The easy ones respect others and go with the flow. If you mistreat them, you cause them stress and you lose credibility.

(b) The difficult ones will only cooperate if you are skillful. If you mistreat them, they become righteous, combative, rebellious, and hard to deal with.

(c) The wimps are passive-aggressive. They say yes and do no.

You have more credibility when you say, “I can help you fix the problem” as opposed to “I can’t help you.”

If you engage in trading insults or nastiness, you lose. When we get angry, we increase the chance of misusing words and we giving our power away.

Frustration can best be understood as the feeling of waiting behind another car at a green light. How long can you wait? When someone we are dealing with is feeling this frustration it is best to validate the feeling and give them a way out of it. (I understand your frustration/anger. To best help you I need………).

Let people say what they want. Give them the last word because you will have the last action-walking away.

One sentence can cause violence, stall your career or lose your credibility.

Get people to do what you want them to do because they choose to do it. In order to show them that what you want them to do is in their best interest you must first find their answer to the question–what’s in it for me?

When we say to someone that is frustrated “calm down” what they often hear us saying is “you are the problem.” But they usually believe that the problem is external. Try saying “let’s stay calm” instead.

What is the next step? Once you have made a threat you better be able to follow up and do it or you will lose your credibility.

Active listening takes practice and an open, unbiased, and uncluttered mind.

If there is no harmony between your voice and your words, they will believe your voice and other non-verbal cues as opposed to your words.

Avoid formulas–have a nice day, bless her heart, thank you for shopping at Walmart, etc. Formulas feel singsong and/or insincere.

Difficult people are out there, we will encounter them. It will be easier to deal with them if we have a plan.

Staying centered involves slowing down and avoiding knee-jerk reactions.

A wise person once said, “offense is 10% given and 90% taken.” When we forget this the internal tapes start playing in our heads and things can start to deteriorate quickly.

It takes two to make things worse.

Be hard on the problem. Easy on the people. Practice listening.

Can you listen even when you are emotionally triggered?