Holding a Difficult Discussion

We all know that conflict can take a toll in our professional and personal lives. Time, money and lives are lost when conflicts are not effectively managed. Frequently, the only two options we see for handling conflict are to respond in a combative manner (fight) or totally avoid the conflict (flight). Sadly, both strategies often do more to escalate conflict than to extinguish it. And the opportunity to turn a conflict into a positive learning experience is lost.

 

Almost every conflict can produce a positive benefit. However, in order to reap the benefit, we typically have to navigate through some muddy waters and hold a difficult discussion. The more you know about addressing conflict the more adept you will be when it’s time to engage in these difficult dialogues.

 

Before holding a difficult discussion, please consider the following:

​

• What is the best location for holding the discussion? (Help establish a positive tone by meeting in a comfortable, neutral location.)

• What political forces are sustaining the conflict? Who needs to be involved in the discussion and the implementation of possible resolutions?

• What are the possible consequences of admitting a mistake, losing emotional control, or exposing a personal vulnerability?

• What level of confidentiality is reasonable to expect?

• Are any topics or solutions off limits?

• How can the dispute be framed as a mutual problem?

• What is the best time and duration of the “session”?

• What guidelines will we need? Avoid guidelines framed in the negative (“no name calling”). Instead, stay positive (“a commitment to show each other respect”).

 

Once you are prepared for the difficult discussion, make sure that your attitude reflects the fact that discord is simply a natural by-product of close human connection and almost always presents an opportunity to learn what needs to be fixed. The following set of questions can be used to guide an effective discussion under stress:

• Where are we now?

• Where do we need to be?

• How will we get there?

• What does each of us need to do?

• How can I help you?

 

Ultimately, everyone needs to be prepared for confrontation. Expect some level of venting and strong emotion. If you are prepared you will be able to keep your cool and model the attitude and the behaviors you want from others. Uncontrolled emotions can harm your image, no matter how much you are provoked. In addition, remember to:

​

• Listen and get the whole story. Active listening takes practice and an open, unbiased, and uncluttered mind. The active listener is actively engaged in the communication process and pays strict attention to all speakers, asking appropriate, open-ended questions (how, what, when, where, who?) to probe for underlying interests and clarifying questions to verify understanding. The active listening skills of empathizing, paraphrasing, reframing, summarizing and picking-up on non-verbal clues are worth cultivating.

• Focus on solving problems, not placing blame. Fault-finding is looking backward, resolution requires moving forward.

• Objectively evaluate if the conflict is structural - arising from policies and procedures - or interpersonal.

• Be willing to apologize for your errors and the stress the situation has caused the others involved.

• Keep your tone of voice and body language in agreement with your words. Others will believe your voice and other non-verbal messages as opposed to your words if there is inconsistency between them.

• Remain open to a less than flawless solution. A solution that can be revisited and readjusted may be a great first step.

• Face impasses by suggesting that each participant write down some recommended remedies. Then read each other’s writings.

• Take a time out if the discussion escalates to the extent that people are no longer listening to each other.

• Suggest wiping the slate clean, putting the incident in the past, and starting anew if stories are inconsistent.

• Seek commonalities, such as a shared experience (feeling dismissed) or a personality trait (independence) which may be fueling the fire.

• Plan some kind of formal or informal follow-up to avoid a recurrence of the conflict.

• Shake hands and sign off on a written version of the agreed-upon solution.

 

Without reinforcement the stress of conflict can easily lead you back to old patterns. Practicing these techniques can strengthen your commitment to bring conflicts safely into the open.