Dealing with Difficult People

© 2023 Elinor Robin, PhD

Although it’s easy to label people as difficult, the real focus should always be on actual behaviors, not making a “diagnosis.” With that said, some people are just difficult, and you should not have to go through life walking on eggshells around them. Dealing with difficult people is easier when we can set boundaries and limitations for ourselves regarding what we will or will not tolerate from others. One way we can do this is to understand what motivates them, try to improve the effectiveness of our actions, maintain our integrity, and know when to let go. “Individuals behave in a difficult manner because they have learned that doing so keeps others off balance and incapable of effective action. Worst of all, they appear immune to all the usual methods of communication and persuasion designed to convince or help them change their ways,” says Robert M. Bramson, Ph.D., author of Coping With Difficult People.

Difficult People Defined:

Ask the people around you how they would define a difficult person. Most likely you'll get just as many versions as the number of people you survey. But if you looked for the common themes, you'd find it's typically someone whose troublesome behavior…

• Affects most people, not just the overly sensitive, weak, or incompetent.

• Is unpredictable and seems to explode over the smallest little things.

• Is frequent and habitual, they exhibit this type of behavior most of the time.

When dealing with difficult people:

• Don't take difficult people's behavior personally. Their troublesome behavior is habitual and affects most people with whom they come in contact.

• Don't fight back or try to beat them at their own games. They have been practicing their skills for a lifetime, and you're an amateur.

• Don't try to appease them. Difficult people have an insatiable appetite for more.

• Don't try to change them. You can only change your responses to their behavior.

Here are some strategies you can use to cope effectively with the common types of difficult people. Dealing with difficult people takes practice so don’t give up or get discouraged. Although these strategies won't change the difficult person, they will challenge his/her ability to drive you crazy.

Hostile/Openly Aggressive. These are the bullies that always need to be right. They tend to be abusive, abrupt, accusatory, intimidating, and arrogant. They value high levels of self-confidence and aggressiveness and demean those who don't possess them. Overly aggressive people expect others to either run away from them or react with rage. Coping strategies include:

• Standing up to them without fighting. Instead, you want to assertively express your opinion or view. Do not get sucked into a battle of right and wrong. If you allow a fight to escalate, you cannot win against them.

• Taking unpredictable actions to get their attention: drop a book, stand up, firmly call them by name, get them to sit down and don't sit until they do.

• Waiting for the person to run out of some steam. Then calling him/her by name and asserting your own opinions with confidence.

• Being prepared for friendly overtures as soon as they view you as worthy of respect.

Snipers. These people are expert at taking potshots and making sneak attacks in subtle ways, such as humorous put-downs, sarcastic tones of voice, disapproving looks and innuendoes. You may feel uncomfortable replying to them, but this avoidance allows snipers to get away with their covert hostility. One coping strategy is to respond to the sniper with a question. “That sounds like you're making fun of me. Are you?” A sniper usually replies to such accusations with denial, “I'm only joking.” Nevertheless, questioning covert attacks will reduce the chance for similar attacks in the future.

Complainers. Complainers are fearful people who have little faith in themselves and others because they believe in a hostile world. Their constant discouragement and complaining ignites despair. Complainers avoid taking responsibility. Instead, they find fault with everything, use accusatory tones, and come across as powerless, fatalistic, morally perfect, and self-righteous. Coping strategies include:

• Breaking the self-fulfilling cycle of passivity, blaming, and powerlessness by insisting on a problem-solving approach. Ask for complaints in writing, ask open-ended questions, and assign them to fact-finding tasks.

• Listening attentively. They may just need to blow off steam or feel heard.

• Pinning them down to the specifics.

• Offering no agreement. Agreeing only validates that it is someone else’s fault and they are blameless.

• Asking how they would like the discussion to end; what results do they want to achieve?

• Avoiding a debate or any attempt to take them away from their negativity. Instead, respond with your own optimistic expectations.

Silent/Unresponsive. These people ignore you, give you sullen looks, and/or respond to every question with either “I don't know” or silence. Silent people get away with not talking because most people are uncomfortable with silence and are too quick to fill in the gaps. These people limit risk and seek safety by refusing to respond. They are often non-committal even though something is clearly wrong. This form of calculated aggression can be used to avoid facing fears. Coping strategies include:

• Asking them questions that can't be answered with just a “yes” or “no,” such as, “Why is it uncomfortable for you to answer my questions?” Then wait a few minutes before you say anything. This long silence may make them uncomfortable enough to say something.

• Getting them to talk by asking open-ended questions beginning with "how" and "what".

• Appling a friendly, silent stare toward the person and hold it. Don't be tempted to fill the space with words to ease your own discomfort.

• Comment on the fact that you find it interesting they're refusing to communicate, then

ask:

o Are you concerned about my reaction? How do you think I'll react?

o You look distressed/worried/concerned. Am I misinterpreting?

o Am I wrong about you feeling uncomfortable, annoyed, angry, or impatient?

• Setting time limits and being prepared for an "I don't know" response. You may either assume it's genuine or it's a stalling tactic and reply, "It appears our meeting is at an end." Return to the friendly, silent stare and wait for a response.

• If the “clam” opens up be attentive, demonstrate active listening, and allow them to be vague. This may lead to their main issue.

• State that you assume their lack of response means X, that you intend to revisit the issue again, and list the actions you will take if effective communication doesn't occur.

Super-Agreeable. These are the "people-pleasers" who over-promise and never deliver. They avoid conflict at all costs by being outgoing, sociable, personal with others, and very attentive. They will tell you things that are good to hear and then let you down by making unrealistic commitments. Coping strategies include:

• Making honesty non-threatening. Ask for their opinion without jeopardizing your acceptance of them as individuals.

• Being personal without being phony and letting them know that you value them as people.

• Not allowing them to over-commit or take on more than they can handle.

• Asking for feedback on things that might interfere with your good relationship.

• Paying attention to the humor that often masks their true feelings.

Negativist. These people have been deeply disappointed in life and are unable to work through it. They've lost trust, tend to throw cold water at every idea, easily deflate optimism, and believe in absolute, immovable barriers. They are convinced that they have little power over their own lives and believe those who do have power cannot be trusted to act reasonably or consistently. They may be angry and resentful most of the time. Coping strategies include:

• Recognizing your own vulnerability to discouragement. The impact these people have on others can be contagious unless you meet it directly with confident, assertive optimism.

• Avoiding an argument or an attempt to embarrass them. You won't get far by making it a "win/lose" battle.

• Allowing them to play the role of "reality checker" by analyzing what could go wrong and requiring them to cite specifics rather than make sweeping generalizations.

• Offering examples of past successes. Show that some alternatives are worth trying by saying, "I have faith that we haven't tried everything".

The-Know-It-All Expert. Know-it-alls have strong needs for security in an unpredictable world. They seek respect, and value facts and logic. Often described as "bulldozers," they are highly productive, thorough, and accurate. They possess an aura of personal authority, a sense of power, and a tone of absolute certainty. They are usually right and will confront those who question their logic with a data "dump," that leaves others overwhelmed. They can be condescending, imposing, pompous, and sometimes make you feel like an idiot. Coping strategies include:

• Helping them consider alternative views while avoiding direct challenges to their expertise.

• Doing your homework, discussing facts in an orderly manner, and making sure your information is accurate and complete. Don't ballpark or they will dismiss you as incompetent.

• Listening actively and acknowledging. Paraphrase rather than interrupt; it shows you respect their expertise.

• If you must point out an error or omission, do it by questioning firmly with confidence and ask for clarification. 

• Resist the temptation to assert your own expert credentials. Afterall, no one knows more than they do in their opinion.

Don't Give Up. Dealing with difficult people takes practice. So don't get discouraged. Although these strategies won't change the difficult people, they will break their ability to interfere with your effectiveness.