Avoid, Confront and Everything In Between: The Conflict Management Style Primer

Do you tend to avoid conflicts or face each one head-on, never taking no for an answer? Or are you someplace in between? There are actually five styles that conflict management researchers have identified as those that are commonly used to both resolve and temporarily manage conflicts: avoiding, accommodating, compromising, competing and collaborating. And, while you may favor one of these styles, knowing when and how to use all five appropriately can help you produce the best results.

 

Avoiding is a wise strategy to use when your commitment to the relationship involved is low and you have little to gain by resolving the conflict. It’s a good strategy to use when you are cut off on the highway or you believe that your opponent might be dangerous. Avoiding is effective when you will benefit from cooling down or getting away. Women, who may have been programmed since childhood to be nice, can easily fall into the avoiding trap. However, in the current environment, when people have on-going relationships and productivity is vital, avoiding is usually a bad choice. Ultimately, if you’re a chronic avoider, leaving solutions to chance, your frustrated connections will label you a poor communicator.

 

Accommodating is a useful strategy when maintaining a relationship is more important than the issues in question. Occasionally, we should all be willing to accommodate-you can buy a lot of loyalty by accommodating someone else’s simple request.On the other hand, one might be tempted to to take this strategy too far, by constantly pacifying others, covering up, pretending everything is OK, minimizing differences, and abandoning one’s own needs and desires in order to meet another’s requests or demands. If you are an unremitting accommodator, you have probably found that this pattern of excessive giving leaves you feeling resentful and disappointed.

 

Competing is marked by a strong desire to achieve coupled with the use of force, hidden activities, or power. Competing is a great strategy to use when the outcome is extremely important, giving in would result in tremendous loss, or your opponent is unwilling to accept anything short of a total win.Some people believe that they need to fiercely compete all the time. But even though competing may help you achieve your goal, this strategy should be used with caution in the workplace and at home. The perception that you are a steamroller will make building rapport and trust with others difficult. Use this strategy sparingly with your family, partners, clients, employees, and when you care about the connection.

 

Compromising typically allows us to meet as many of our own goals as possible without seriously harming the relationship. Each side gives up something in order to gain a part of what is most wanted. Best of all, when time and resources are limited, seeking a fair split between positions often results in a quick resolution. But before you compromise you may want to ask the other side “how can I make it right?” You may be surprised to learn that the other side wants less than expected or that you can give just a little more and create a win-win.

 

Collaborating, unlike the other four approaches, fosters both meeting your goals and improving the relationship. Collaborators seek ways to integrate their interests with the interests of the person on the other side. It’s about confronting the problem, not the other party. People enjoy working and doing business with collaborators. If your business associates and partners believe that you are willing to collaborate, they will see you in a more favorable light.

 

Unfortunately, collaboration is not appropriate for every situation. The process can be very time-consuming and often requires a stronger commitment to working it out than may exist in minor conflicts, when strong emotions or suspicion are ignited, or when no close relationship exists. When you’re considering collaboration as a strategy, ask yourself these questions:

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• Do I have the time and resources that are necessary to engage in this process?

• Will setting a positive tone and having a flexible dialogue help me to end or avoid a cycle of bad feelings?

• Is my objective to learn, test assumptions, or understand someone else’s views?

• Are the issues and relationships involved very important to me?

• Do I need a firm commitment from the people I am working with on these issues?

 

If you’ve answered yes to these questions, collaboration will usually be a good option for success.

 

Which of these five styles do you naturally prefer? Do you stretch and use other styles, or do you almost always respond to conflict using the style you’re most comfortable with? Think about the last conflict you encountered. Which conflict management style did you use? Was this the best choice? Could another approach have produced better results? Next time, before reacting, consider your response and allow yourself to consciously choose from among all five styles, picking the one with the greatest potential for effective conflict management.